Sunday, October 01, 2006

Self Immolation and Co

Dear ABC,

Today, much of my past and recent memory flashed across my mind like from a fast moving car. Actually it's not unlike before. I have been here many times over and over, turning in a doorless quandary. What however flashed repeatedly is my image as Johnny Cash, or Capote. I read that article again today in Ibadan, I wondered if I have not laboured tirelessly these past years in a vain exercise to prove one point, to defy a recurring dark blanket on my mind that taunts that I cannot do this, do that. I have done many things that now I feel were just to prove that they were not after all impossible: UCJ, Okigbo, University of Ibadan, University of London, writing poetry, writing prose, making a mark, LinguaBoard and the distant contacts made there, WALC2004, MacArthur Scholarship, Kenya, Census, translations. etc. If I do not attribute the extraordinary efforts I spent doing these to some defiant repressed memory, I would have said that I was not a human being, but a freak spirit who only missed his way to earth on his way from Creation. But I digress. There must really have been something I have tried to make the world see in those instances, something seemingly opposed by an ubiquitous force - or maybe not.

...

Mother will attribute this to having read too much books and having finally got lost in the quandary of my own creation...

...

Maybe life is short. Maybe it's long. What I am sure of is now, and the realities are as dizzying as equally unsure. Have I lost a step? Have I lost it? Let me say that for now, I am still locked in the great struggle of understanding current reality, and if you don't understand, I will not take it against you. Below is part of my most recent self-assessment:


I do not blame you for a life badly spent, badly lent. No I dont.
I only worry, for me. The map is lost which brought me here.
Time will tell, maybe to slit the dream and show what's hidden there.
A rolling stone will always fall while climbing a winding mount.


Be well.

No comments: